I NEED Help...

There. I said it.

That's probably one of the hardest things for me. Asking for help. Angela always finds a way. Until she can't. Until she's so overwhelmed that she can't even begin. This is a horrible, horrible, helpless feeling that I can't squash.

I haven't added anything to my happiness jar since January. Is that really the last time I enjoyed myself, or my life, or had hope? I have faith that is not true. I hope...

What makes asking for help so difficult? I see people do it every day. I see people just give up and let someone pick them up and help them. I can't let myself get to that point no matter how much it hurts. I think I'm mostly just scared that no one will be there when I hit bottom. That would probably be the largest hurdle for me. Fear. Fear that I'm not as important to them as they are to me.

I expect too much and trust without regard. Damn me. And...it's never a good time. Someone else needs me more than I need them. At least that's what I tell myself. My problems aren't unique, people deal with them every day. The difference, I think, is that they can ask for help. They don't consider themselves alone, as I do.

That's likely a major factor in this funk that I find myself stuck in. I am lonely. I'm incredibly lonely. That is something I have never in my life admitted to anyone. Consider yourselves lucky! Am I lonely as a result of being overwhelmed or am I overwhelmed because I feel lonely. Who knows. Does it really matter? The issue is that I'm not taking care of myself. Physically or mentally. I've come home from work on a Friday and not gotten out of my pajamas until Monday morning.

No one knew.

I have to learn to ask for help. I have to be comfortable calling a friend and asking them to come spend some time with me. Just sit on the couch so I'm not alone.

By the way...if it weren't for Sovann (The Pork Chop), O'Malley (The Ball of Anxiety), and Chunky Butt (self-explanatory), I'd be nothing. Some days they are the only reason I wake up.

Pity party over. I needed a release. I won't share this post. Maybe no one will ever read it. That's okay. I needed to say it to someone, even if that someone is my HP laptop. I'll read this tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. My hope is that every day here after I feel a little better and this post will seem more and more ridiculous. Hey, I could delete it before anyone ever knows that I opened up like this. Then I'll still be the hard-headed, get-it-done, I can handle it Angela that they all think I am.

It WILL get better.

If you DO read this...I wish you peace, happiness, and the freedom to ask for help when you need it.

xoxo