There. I said it.
That's probably one of the hardest things for me. Asking for help. Angela always finds a way. Until she can't. Until she's so overwhelmed that she can't even begin. This is a horrible, horrible, helpless feeling that I can't squash.
I haven't added anything to my happiness jar since January. Is that really the last time I enjoyed myself, or my life, or had hope? I have faith that is not true. I hope...
What makes asking for help so difficult? I see people do it every day. I see people just give up and let someone pick them up and help them. I can't let myself get to that point no matter how much it hurts. I think I'm mostly just scared that no one will be there when I hit bottom. That would probably be the largest hurdle for me. Fear. Fear that I'm not as important to them as they are to me.
I expect too much and trust without regard. Damn me. And...it's never a good time. Someone else needs me more than I need them. At least that's what I tell myself. My problems aren't unique, people deal with them every day. The difference, I think, is that they can ask for help. They don't consider themselves alone, as I do.
That's likely a major factor in this funk that I find myself stuck in. I am lonely. I'm incredibly lonely. That is something I have never in my life admitted to anyone. Consider yourselves lucky! Am I lonely as a result of being overwhelmed or am I overwhelmed because I feel lonely. Who knows. Does it really matter? The issue is that I'm not taking care of myself. Physically or mentally. I've come home from work on a Friday and not gotten out of my pajamas until Monday morning.
No one knew.
I have to learn to ask for help. I have to be comfortable calling a friend and asking them to come spend some time with me. Just sit on the couch so I'm not alone.
By the way...if it weren't for Sovann (The Pork Chop), O'Malley (The Ball of Anxiety), and Chunky Butt (self-explanatory), I'd be nothing. Some days they are the only reason I wake up.
Pity party over. I needed a release. I won't share this post. Maybe no one will ever read it. That's okay. I needed to say it to someone, even if that someone is my HP laptop. I'll read this tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. My hope is that every day here after I feel a little better and this post will seem more and more ridiculous. Hey, I could delete it before anyone ever knows that I opened up like this. Then I'll still be the hard-headed, get-it-done, I can handle it Angela that they all think I am.
It WILL get better.
If you DO read this...I wish you peace, happiness, and the freedom to ask for help when you need it.
xoxo
Because I Think I'm Smart and Witty
I love following blogs. I think I'm witty and smart. I decided to start a blog. I intend to feed your mind with a little of everything. Mostly, books and pit bulls, but all the other little things in life that mean the most to me. You don't have to like it, but at least appreciate it if for no other reason than it's fun.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Unapologetic Dreamer
Anyone watch the Showtime series Shameless? If not, then stop reading this blog and go watch it. NOW. It's for adult audiences only, it's abrasive, it's mostly absurd, but it'll make you feel better about your own shitty problems. In one particular episode oldest sibling, Fiona, is risking money to try and make a new career start. She fails. Pretty horribly, she finds out later. Younger brother, Lip (short for Phillip), tells her like it is when you're living below poverty with a runaway mother and a non-functioning alcoholic father and barely making it in south side Chicago. He says when you're poor the only way to make money is to steal it or scam it. Granted, everyone on this show that takes a step forward is knocked back at least 3. What's the harm in dreaming though? Come on Lip, give Fiona a break, at least she is trying.
I have high standards for myself, and big expectations. I've started down many paths. So far, none leading to fruition. But you know what? No matter how many times I get knocked down I'm gonna jump up and try again. Seems like lately the Universe doesn't want me to succeed at anything. Yeah, that's a little dramatic. I'm having a hard time and this is my blog, so while I'm writing here I'm permitted to be drastic. Bear with me for a minute or two.
I'm an unapologetic dreamer.
I won't accept that this is the way things will always be. I have dreams, I don't care how old I am either, I'll keep making them. They say bucket lists just serve as a reminder of what we won't ever be able to do. I disagree. I may not ever get to mark that many items off my list, but the excitement of adding another thing that I can dream of is enough for me.
I'm an unapologetic dreamer.
Maybe I have horrible timing. Maybe I don't give enough. Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Who knows why things don't work out.
I'm an unapologetic dreamer.
Here is a list of a few dreams that I'll continue to be unapologetic about:
- Traveling the world (regardless of my financial status)
- Pursuing degree after degree (learning will never be time wasted, and I don't yet know what I want to be)
- Saving pit bulls (and fostering more once I get my own trained well enough to be an ambassador)
- Writing (creatively, professionally, whatever...I like it)
- Being the kind of friend people can't imagine life without (even if it means never putting myself first)
- Tattoos ( I want lots, I think they are beautiful and I want to express myself through body art. Plus, I want to meet a hot tatted up guy, so I should probably get a few more first so they notice me!)
- Leading a fit and healthy lifestyle (I hate exercising and I eat for emotional comfort. I had an enormous cupcake for dinner tonight - FAIL)
The moral of this story for me is this: I won't accept that things are the way they are. If I never succeed at any of these things at least I'll have had a smashing good time trying, despite the Universe or whatever force that keeps brake checking me.
My dreams make me who I am, my reality does not define me.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Weekend-er
What have I been up to? Let me count the days...
First, I picked up a new foster dog from Brunswick County Sheriff's Office Animal Protective Services a couple weeks ago. Her name is Mazzy Star, because she's a rock star. Mazzy is a tiny, 38 lbs pit bull rock star. So sweet and very well behaved. Mazzy was heartworm positive so she had treatment on Oct. 21st and 22nd. Heartworms are 100% preventable. That's your PSA for the day. The Merit Pit Bull Foundation treated Mazzy and 4 other dogs recently for this disease. If you have a few extra bucks, please consider making a donation towards these pups health. You can do that HERE, and make sure and tell them that Mazzy and I sent ya. <3 As soon as Mazzy is medically cleared she has a new human waiting to adopt her. I'm so happy for this awesome girl. We're going to miss her like crazy, but it's all worth it.
First, I picked up a new foster dog from Brunswick County Sheriff's Office Animal Protective Services a couple weeks ago. Her name is Mazzy Star, because she's a rock star. Mazzy is a tiny, 38 lbs pit bull rock star. So sweet and very well behaved. Mazzy was heartworm positive so she had treatment on Oct. 21st and 22nd. Heartworms are 100% preventable. That's your PSA for the day. The Merit Pit Bull Foundation treated Mazzy and 4 other dogs recently for this disease. If you have a few extra bucks, please consider making a donation towards these pups health. You can do that HERE, and make sure and tell them that Mazzy and I sent ya. <3 As soon as Mazzy is medically cleared she has a new human waiting to adopt her. I'm so happy for this awesome girl. We're going to miss her like crazy, but it's all worth it.
What else have I been doing? More dog stuff, obviously! I spent a week dog sitting with my favorite GSD pups. Stella and Rufus are so fun to stay with. Their personalities remind me a lot of my pit bulls actually. Very loving and loyal and complete characters at times! Check out these two beauties below.
Besides dog stuff, I've been watching too much fall tv and trying to read more. I did finish Unbroken. Right now I'm reading There But For The.
I'm working on my mixed cd for the 2nd annual mixed cd exchange.
I rocked out the Penelope Pitstop costume for the animated characters themed Halloween party.
That's about all. Oh, I did jump on the Facebook 30 Days of Thankfulness bandwagon. I've decided to take the opportunity to be thankful for the smaller things in life that I typically take for granted. My posts are going to be silly and funny, but full of truth.
We're having Sunday Lazy day here. Law & Order, hot chai tea, blogging (more Alaska to come!), and pillow forts. Have a great one!
AND...
Because I haven't posted a links of the week for a while I've added some internet awesomeness here too. My blog stuff folder is getting mighty full, so I'll post later this week with everything else that's waiting.
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"You shouldn’t have to wait until all the big things in your life are gone before you realize that the small things will save you." This article has made a big impression on me recently.
I already shared this on Facebook, but if you missed it, these portraits of Snow White and her prince are ADORBS!
Friday, October 11, 2013
Links of the Week 10/11/13
I have so much to share today! Give yourself time and read everything. It will be worth it!
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Oct. 9, 2013 was John Lennon's 73rd Birthday. Peace, John. |
31 pictures that will make you smile...and most of them did.
I don't even eat oatmeal, but this recipe for chai pumpkin oatmeal sounds delish.
Sriracha Mac & Cheese, you had me at hello...plus, here's a whole mac & cheese cookbook.
Cool idea for that dinner club I keep saying I'm going to start...Around the World in 7 Recipes
If you're fudgelling through this work day like me, then you'll enjoy this list.
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I WANT THIS HOUSE! |
You're right, Don't Date a Girl Who Reads, we ruin everything!
Food Hacks. Some of these are great ideas!
NSFW: but this Blurred Lines parody is LOL funny!
This will NEVER get old. I love Sesame Street. :)
Very interesting article on Emotional Intelligence. My parents and teachers need to read this.
A new Fratellis album!!!! YES! Love this band.
Happy Weekend People!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Audio book Review: "Bossypants" by Tina Fey
Bossypants
by: Tina Fey read by: Tina Fey
From Goodreads: Before Liz Lemon, before "Weekend Update," before "Sarah Palin," Tina Fey was just a young girl with a dream: a recurring stress dream that she was being chased through a local airport by her middle-school gym teacher. She also had a dream that one day she would be a comedian on TV.
She has seen both these dreams come true.
At last, Tina Fey's story can be told. From her youthful days as a vicious nerd to her tour of duty on Saturday Night Live; from her passionately halfhearted pursuit of physical beauty to her life as a mother eating things off the floor; from her one-sided college romance to her nearly fatal honeymoon—from the beginning of this paragraph to this final sentence.
Tina Fey reveals all, and proves what we've all suspected: you're no one until someone calls you bossy.
(Includes Special, Never-Before-Solicited Opinions on Breastfeeding, Princesses, Photoshop, the Electoral Process, and Italian Rum Cake!)
My Review: Oh My God. Where do I start? This book and Tina Fey are so awesome. I can't imagine having read it any other way than hearing Tina read it herself. The under-her-breath insights and hearing the sarcasm exactly where it should be, well it was just perfect. From the very beginning telling about becoming a woman and all it's horrors to her near death experience on her honeymoon mid-book I couldn't stop laughing. I know I got some strange looks between here and Greensboro and back while I lost myself in "Bossypants."
If you ever need advice on life ask a comedian. If you can, ask Tina Fey. She's funny, yea we all know that, but she's also one of us. She's not ashamed of telling her coming up stories either. This isn't a book about how talented and successful she is. It's about what an every day woman has to experience to appreciate opportunity when it arises. The chapter Peeing in Jars with Boys probably wasn't meant to be hysterically funny but I was in tears. She's new to SNL and trying to coach Sylvester Stallone on enunciating during his sketch. Really? Who and how would someone go about this? Being the new girl on SNL must have been one hell of an experience.
Learning about improv was fascinating. I really did learn something. Not that I'm going to run out for open mic night or anything but she's brilliant. Handling herself in a male dominated industry says it all I think. Fey isn't modest about telling you who and what tried to stand in her way.
Oh! Don't let me forget to mention parenting memories from Tina Fey. My Oh My! You can't not read this book...er, listen to it. Seriously. Drunk midgets and dysfunctional families. That's all.
My Recommendation: I could write about everything I loved about Bossypants for hours. So as to not give it all away just go get the audio book. NOW. GO! I'm sure every public library has it. If you need $1 for a library card...well, I'm a broke bitch, but it will be worth it. I'll send you a buck.
Read more on Goodreads
Book Review: "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card
Ender's Game
by: Orson Scott Card
From Goodreads: Government drafts genius child Andrew "Ender" Wiggin to defend against alien Buggers, but rejects sadistic brother Peter and beloved sister Valentine. In orbiting Battle School, rigorous military training, skill and natural leadership elevates boy to isolated position, respected by jealous rivals, pressured by teachers, afraid of invasion.
My Review: I'll just start by saying that this is my first science fiction novel. I've read a few dystopian short stories, but I really have nothing to compare to. I enjoyed Ender's Game. I don't think I'll change my preferred genre, but this story captured my attention for a few hundred pages. I started off slow, but I can't NOT finish a novel. My second confession is that a friend lent this book to me a couple years ago and I just now read it. Is that procrastination or what?
I was pretty hesitant regarding the topic of manipulating children as the story does. At the same time I was completely enthralled in Ender's determination, self-awareness, and skill. He really is a prodigy, in this alternate reality. I was cheering him on against the teachers the whole time. I enjoyed the insight into Ender's theory of battle and his will to beat the game. The psychology of the game was definitely the high points for me.
The ending...that was where it lost me. First, the shocking, or not, but for me the shocking victory and it's consequences. Then, the habitation of the new world. The story was written well enough that I finished. Did I love it? Eh, I finished it quickly, but I think I'm still confused as to my feelings. Mostly because I can't compare Ender's Game to anything and also the fact that I know nothing about how a science fiction novel should play out, I have to say "YES."
My Recommendation: I'd recommend Ender's Game to anyone that wants to dabble in science fiction for the first time. Based on critics and awards I'd say it's a sure shot for science fiction readers as well. I'm really glad I finally read it. I'm looking forward to the movie. I'm excited to see how the film will portray Ender's diligence in falling into his birthright.
Find more on Goodreads.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Book Review: "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes
Me Before You
By: Jojo Moyes
From Goodreads: Lou Clark knows lots of things. She knows how many footsteps there are between the bus stop and home. She knows she likes working in The Buttered Bun tea shop and she knows she might not love her boyfriend Patrick.
What Lou doesn't know is she's about to lose her job or that knowing what's coming is what keeps her sane.
Will Traynor knows his motorcycle accident took away his desire to live. He knows everything feels very small and rather joyless now and he knows exactly how he's going to put a stop to that.
What Will doesn't know is that Lou is about to burst into his world in a riot of colour. And neither of them knows they're going to change the other for all time.
My Review: I have to first give credit to my book club for contribution to these thoughts. I usually write my review before we discuss the book but since that didn't happen and we had a great discussion of Me Before You, I give them credit as well. And thanks!
I think we all agreed that the book was not what we expected. Whether it was expected or not, it was a great book. The characters heavily outweigh the rather dark subject matter. Clark, er Lou or Louise, was witty in her naive and innocent way. Her unknown independence and confidence really created the zest that made her character so likable and loved. Clark discovers so much about herself along the way and her determination to affect Will seemed a little encouraging to me. Perhaps not to everyone, but the do-gooder in me couldn't help wanting to run out and become a carer. Hopefully, not as hopeless a situation. And now that I write that I'm not even sure that I want to call Will or Clark's situation hopeless. Mainly, because this brings me to the topic of assisted suicide. I'll be the first to admit that I've never opposed the idea. As a middle schooler in the early 90's I was interested in the matter. I gave one of my first ever persuasive speeches in defense of assisted suicide actually. Clearly, at that age you can't imagine the entire context of the topic. Moyes does an excellent job of in my opinion of presenting the topics from many different perspectives.
We were all surprised by Clark's mother's reaction to her decision to go to Will's side in the end. Most surprising because of her tolerance of Treena's weaknesses and patience of the situation. Not surprising was Clark's father's clear insight into Will's decision. As for Treena, we discussed that without her character, Clark would not have had the groundwork and the strength to manage Will or his family in the manner that she succeeded in doing. Will's father and mother had a failed relationship that was only being glued together by the injury of their son, for whom had little to no regard for either of them. The father's mistress had a compelling attitude about her. We even discussed our imagery of who Nathan would have been in life. Basically, what I'm saying here is that there wasn't a character that was unliked in this story. To add to that, no matter how big or small the characters' involvement to the main story line, they were all relevant in making such a well written story.
Recommendation: I can't say anything negative about this book. If you may be sensitive to the subject matter perhaps I would not recommend it. Overall, however this was a book that despite the unhappiness and tragedy I completely enjoyed. I couldn't put it down and in the end I cried. That takes a lot to get me in tears over a book.
Find more on Goodreads
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